ON PLAYING JOHN MALKOVICH IN "BEING JOHN MALKOVICH"
It was no different to me than anything else I do. Once you play an alcoholic, once a psychopath, once John Malkovich (2008)
ON NOT DISCUSSING HIS WORK
I don't think hookers rush home and say, "Honey! I did the most incredible handjob today" (1989)
ON CENSORSHIP OF HIS DIRECTORIAL DEBUT "THE DANCER UPSTAIRS"
The powers-that-be believed that my film showed over a second and a half of a chicken in distress. The question is, how do they know the chicken isn't a good actor? (2008)
ON SAM SHEPHERD
That man is vaguer than I am. Which ought to be illegal (1985)
ON HIS SKILL AS AN ACTOR
I'd venture to say, in all humility, that I could play Malcolm X as well as anyone else (1989)
ON THE WOMEN HE LIKES
Most have a haunted quality. They're sort of like women who live in a haunted house by themselves (2007)
ASKED, AT THE CAMBRIDGE UNION, WHO HE'D LIKE TO FIGHT TO THE DEATH
George Galloway and Robert Fisk… But I'd rather just shoot them (2002)
LAUNCHING HIS OWN FASHION LINE
I like to dress like a Swiss banker. A Swiss banker who's been fired (2003)
ON HIS DAUGHTER, AMANDINE
I only have two rules for my newly born daughter: that she will dress well and never have sex (1992)
ON APPREHENDING A HIT-AND-RUN DRIVER
I said, "Normally, in a civilised society, when we hit someone with a truck, we might inquire as to their wellbeing." So he said, "I'm sorry." And I said, "Great. Try and be a little more careful and so sorry to have troubled you" (2008)
ON HIS WIFE NICOLE
She's exceptionally solitary. I would say antisocial (2003)
AT A SCREENING OF "DISGRACE"
You might want to clarify that I'm here in Disgrace. I'm not here in disgrace (2008)
ON HIS ACTING PROFESSORS SAYING HE'D NEVER MAKE IT
I don't blame them at all for saying that – not even if they happened to hope it would be true (2006)
ON HIS AFFAIR WITH MICHELLE PFEIFFER
It's hard to believe Michelle Pfeiffer ever said hello to me (2008)
ON THE REAL JOHN
My idea of fun is to stay home and stain a piece of furniture (2009)