Rudy Giuliani isn’t talking about Brad Pitt, he’s talking about the other one. No, not Bradley Cooper, another one who looks like him. Matt Damon? Absolutely not. The former mayor not only believes that Damon is 5’2” (wrong), and a slur we won’t repeat here, he also…well…“eyes are blue, coochie-coochie-coo.” 

There are so many shocking, horrifying, and brain-meltingly awful things revealed in transcripts of conversations between Giuliani and a former employee who is suing him for “wide-ranging sexual assault and harassment,” among “other misconduct.” (In a statement, Giuliani’s political adviser claimed “this was a consensual relationship.”) But we find ourselves stuck on this exchange about Hollywood A-listers, which you can read in full below. 

MS. DUNPHY: Who were the other Republicans who are celebrities?
MR. GIULIANI: Ain’t too many. Brad -- not Brad Pitt. The other guy that looks like him.
MS. DUNPHY: Bradley Cooper?
MR. GIULIANI: No, the other one. What the hell’s his name?
MS. DUNPHY: Well, Matt Damon is very liberal.
MR. GIULIANI: No, Matt Damon is a -- Matt Damon is a f--. Matt Damon is also 5'2, Eyes are blue. Coochie-coochie-coochie-coo.
MS. DUNPHY: Maybe --

We’ll set aside the slur—far from the only one Giuliani threw out in his conversations with Noelle Dunphy, who filed the suit. We’ll even move on from Giuliani, once described by none other than Ben Shapiro as “hardly an imposing physical specimen,” trying to claim Damon is the same height as Kim Kardashian. We’re here to solve a mystery: Who was Giuliani trying to claim as another Republican celebrity? 

He’s right that it’s not Brad Pitt, who referenced Trump’s impeachment trial in his Oscar speech in 2020, or Bradley Cooper, who attended the Democratic National Convention in 2016. And Dunphy is right that it’s not Matt Damon, who recently had to ask the Trump campaign to stop using audio from his movie Air. If we’re looking for other famous Brads, he could be trying to name Brad Paisley, the country star who recently performed at the Biden White House but refuses to identify with either party. There’s a world in which he’s talking about Brad Garrett, but the star of Everybody Loves Raymond is no Trump fan, and not all that likely to be confused with Brad Pitt anyway. 

But if we get away from the Brads and the Matts and just run with the theme of single-syllable actors, we think we might be getting somewhere: the Chrises. The battle of the Hollywood Chrises has been a long-running social media fascination, which could be enough to scramble Giuliani’s brain into thinking one of them might be named Brad. The guy we’re betting on in particular is Chris Pratt, who has married into a Republican political dynasty, was notably absent from an Avengers Biden fundraiser in 2020, and said in 2017 he doesn’t feel represented by either side of the political divide. 

Does any of that make Pratt officially a Republican, or deserving of being dragged into this nightmarish workplace conversation? Definitely not. But Matt Damon, Brad Pitt, Bradley Cooper, Noelle Dunphy, and all of us reading this transcript didn’t deserve any of this either.